• Go to 1st grade, or play Duck Hunt.
• Don’t sneak out of 5th grade science early, or guide Link on his quest to defeat Ganon.
• Wake up early for first hour English, or stay up late launching super sheep at your buddies.
• Study for the ACT, or master stealth skills with Solid Snake.
• Listen to a professor lecture on the importance of Business Ethics, or dominate the 19th installation of Tony Hawk.
• Get to your 8 a.m. meeting on time, or play one more round of Bejeweled Blitz.

If you have read this far, chances are that you can relate to this ever present decision between playing video games and living a semi-productive life. Throughout the years, I have chosen to play enough video games to feed my addiction while still plugging through grade school, junior high, high school, college, and my career.

Last year I decided to try to advance my career by getting my MBA. But in order to get into a decent grad school, I needed to get a decent score on the GMAT. Unfortunately, getting a decent score on the GMAT usually requires that you spend more time studying than slaughtering splicers in Bioshock. I tried to study, but couldn’t focus on the GMAT for more than a few seconds before I longed to increase my ATOM and purchase new and upgraded plasmids… I needed help.

So the day before I was scheduled to take the GMAT, I unplugged my X-Box, closed down Steam on my computer, turned off my iPhone and swore I would refrain from video games for the rest of the day… I kept this promise, but I also never opened a book to study.

Instead, I stared at the golden cover of my GMAT study guide, and was paralyzed by the massive hole left in my soul left by the lack of gaming stimulation. Depriving my mind and body of such a necessity was so excruciating that I could hardly stand it… and then BAM! I was overcome with a tsunami of artistic angst and inspiration.

Suddenly I knew how the great artist felt as they divined their most emotionally jarring songs and poetry. I knew how Francis Scott Key felt as he watched the bombing of the U.S. Navy and penned the Star Spangle Banner. I knew how Eric Clapton felt as he scribbled down the lyrics to If I Saw you in Heaven after his son’s tragic death. I was ready to write a masterpiece… and I did.

Behold my anthem- Video Games are Fun!

Mixed Martial Arts is a competitive sport obviously, but has always held the same sportsmanship of any combat sport, such as boxing, kick boxing, or even fencing. The “mixed” aspect of MMA comes from the fact that it is not only 1 uniform style, but many styles competing against one another as equals. By “styles” I mean ACTUAL martial arts practiced and trained under for years.What makes me so riled up about all of this is that now-a-days MMA is missing a M and a A in the general populous. No longer is it about those who have trained their lives in the art and want to test it’s worth against other styles, but now it is just a bunch of brawlers that either like hitting, grabbing, or some combination of the 2.

Enter Supremacy MMA, an MMA game that literally boasts about how little it has to do with MMA. It talks about “the underground amateur circuit where there are no rules”… First off, amateur?? As in, “they have little to no training”? And no rules?? What they are telling me is that they are making a MMA game based off the premise of Fight Club. They even say on the advertising, “the first rule of Supremacy MMA…[blah blah we know how that goes]“. So why am i upset? because they have taken the “mixed” and the “art” out of MMA, and it is now just what the frat Bros wanted… 2 shirtless guys beating each other up out of misdirected childhood rage while they chug Natty Ice. Too bad it is not coming out on Game Cube.

SuperSonic

Side-stepping the plot of the game, this game has a bunch of hot selling points, one being the element of parkour they put in. If Mirror’s Edge had to have a multi player, this would be it. Fortunately, it does not look to just be a gimmick, but an essential part of the game play and how the game moves. I just can’t wait to power slide into someone and shotgun them in the-

Another huge part of the game is being able to change combat roles mid play (and yes, that is without having to die). Different combat roles will give you different objectives, all of which are ways of helping your team. The best part: it ‘tricks’ people into being team players, because objectives give you more experience than just shooting people in the face.

On top of all that, there is not only vast customization for your weapons and character’s looks (to an extent that puts many MMO’s to shame i might add). Whether you play offline or online your character is saved, so you can work on earning parts, clothing, and other options even if you don’t feel like being online.

For more information go to www.Brinkthegame.com. It is currently slated for a May release.

SuperSonic

This will give you unlimited 1ups!

When I was in middle school, the Nintendo 64 was released and after playing Shadows of The Empire and Goldeneye at a friend’s house I HAD to have them. I came from a family that didn’t buy big ticket items just out of the blue. Even if it was something that the whole family wanted my folks would still wait even a couple years for the price to drop. In this case, I was the only one in the household drooling over the N64 and its polygonal sexiness. I knew that I was going to have to sacrifice some stuff. So I cashed in my birthday gift as well as my NES, SNES, Gameboy, games, and controllers and got me a Nintendo 64. I loved that thing and I still do, the only thing is, I missed my old consoles and games. Sure the games were dated at this point, but I still wanted to play them from time to time.

Wow dude! I think you're playing it wrong!

Over the years, new systems would be released and I’d save up and buy them (still using the same technique as my parents and waiting for the price to drop.) Eventually I’d walk into a used game store and end up gawking at the retro systems rather than the shiny new ones. The one final thing that pushed me into making a hobby out of buying up all these relics was seeing the collection that my friend Richard had acquired. An entire wall in his basement dedicated to the play things of our past. That’s all I needed to start spending all my time and money at Play N Trade, Gamestop, and eBay.

I just came.

Every once and a while the collecting would slow down and I’d stop spending all my money on this silly hobby. Then sure enough, someone would give me an old console or a game and I’d be back on eBay in no time looking for more. The biggest thing that drives me into collecting now isn’t just having the biggest collection it’s mostly the fact that when I was younger there was no chance in hell that I could ever have all these games. My parents would never allow that. Well I’m a grown ass man now and I never had an Atari 2600, Sega Genesis, or a 3DO, but I do now. It makes me feel like a kid again. When I first saw the 3DO that an old co-worker was selling to me, I felt the same way about it as when I was looking at it in Toys R Us as a kid. Also, if you’re a gamer, you should respect where this giant industry came from. Go back and play the old stuff, and I’m not talking about the roms or the virtual systems on the Wii. Pick up those old uncomfortable blocky controllers, blow on the cartridge and jam it in there. Listen to that 8 bit soundtrack. There’s just something great about playing them the old way.

Now THAT's what I call a blowjob.

Tim

Okay, I didn’t completely stop. I have always occasionally picked up the controller if I saw someone rocking Super Mario Brothers or any other classic games from my youth.  I did stop progressing with the games and gaming systems as they continued to evolve over the years though, as did the majority of females in my current age group.  Now, before the gamer chicks reading this get all pissed off at my use of the word ‘majority’ let me clarify.  Even though you and all of your girlfriends have Xbox Live accounts and you game it up every single night that does not make you the norm.  It is, for you, but in the grand scheme of twentysomething year old women, you are the exception and not the rule.  Which is a good thing.  Not only do I commend you, I am slightly jealous of you.  Most women my age are more interested in trying to sucker their long-term boyfriends into proposing or already popping out kid #2 instead of pwning n00bs in CoD.  I, however, do not fit into either category.  So what happened? When did I end up in female-gamer-purgatory?

A well rounded young lady. No pun intended.

When I was a little girl, I loved playing video games.  My sister and I had a playroom filled with plastic toys and then one glorious day, my parents set up a TV and the original NES for us.  Almost immediately our Barbie dolls and My Little Ponies sat neglected in the corner as we spent hours leveling up in Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt.  Then our parents got divorced and we moved in with Dad, who got us the new SNES as a consolation prize.  It was at this point that my older sister stopped playing and I took over the spot on the carpet in front of the TV in our bedroom.  More Mario (this time with Yoshi!), Mortal Kombat 2, and this super lame game called Bubsy were my favorites.  My sister became a cheerleader and went to the mall with her friends but I just kept on playing.  Then came the turning point.  I was in 5^th grade and that Christmas my Dad announced that he was giving my Super Nintendo to a needy family because the parents were struggling to provide presents for their children.  Of course, that is an amazing thing to do especially since my Dad was trying to make ends meet himself but my 10 year old self-absorbed mind simply could not compute this horrific charitable act.  I kicked, I screamed, I cried.  I also read more books, made more friends, and started liking boys.  I stopped playing video games cold turkey.

If only I had this as a child...

So how come I never got back into it? Over the next 10 years there were plenty of opportunities to play the newest gaming systems.  I had friends who had the consoles, but I would just sit and watch, never asking for the controller.  In high school all my guy friends were really into Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater games but they just held no interest for me.  My early twenties were the HALO years and I just spectated as all of my friends played with inappropriate intensity.  A few years ago, I lived with a boyfriend who was a big time gamer and I had games and an Xbox at my disposal but I could have cared less.  What happened to my urge to play?  Maybe the bitterness of my SNES loss still echoed in the back of my mind, or maybe I felt intimidated when I first laid eyes on the PlayStation 1 and psyched myself out when I saw the more complicated controller.  Either way, recently some of my video game-inclined girlfriends have convinced me to give it another shot.  I watched them play and my curiosity has been re-sparked.  A few months ago I purchased my very first Xbox game, Create.  I don’t play it too often because I get frustrated at my lack of skill and I shut the thing off but it’s a step in the right direction.  One day I might even be on G4 looking all hot and hosting some dumb show and licking inanimate objects and instantly getting added to every nerds lust list.  OR just suckering my long-term boyfriend into proposing, having kids, and playing games together as a family.

PopCulturePanda

Computer rigs and USB hard drives were strewn in any open space, tables pushed together, surge protectors stretched across walkways, marker boards were scribbled upon, and lots of empty vitamin water bottles littered the desktops.   This year’s theme was extinction.  Beyond that theme, the participants were left to their tools and skills to team up and create a game in 48 hours.   Pulling out all the stops, participants utilized pretty much every dev kit, software, and platform available.  DodoDash, a runner in the vein of Canabalt where a swarm of Dodo birds futilely attempt to escape hunters, used Unreal’s Dev Kit to make an iPhone game.  Another game used OpenNI to interface with the Kinect and ActionScript3 (the programming language used in most Flash games), to create a game in which the player is running away from volcanic ash and stampeding dinosaurs.  Other games featured fully realized 3D model characters crafted in Maya and Z-brush.

Game makers set up their own rigs and used on-site computers to make games in 48 hours

For the first time,  board games were also included.  One group at SPSU created a a fun to play survival game in which you outwit your fellow players by out-guessing their next move; perhaps the neatest thing about the game was its story based on the mysterious disappearance of early American settlers.

By the third day the overwhelming smell of “creativity” filled the halls of SPSU’s Atrium building as puffy eyed game makers submitted their final uploads to the IGDA run Global Game Jam servers.  Some hours later, game jammers in Honolulu’s Univeristy of Hawai’i's bio-med building submitted their games, marking the end to 2011′s global game jam.  In total, almost 1500 games were created in that rolling 48 hour time period.  An impressive amount of effort, creativity, and teamwork– not to mention, a whole lot of fun.

Check out Global Game Jam’s website, and subscribe to their feed to stay up to date.

While all of the games made during this year’s Global Game Jam can be found here (and I encourage you to peruse them, because there are some gems), I’ve highlighted the SPSU 2011 GGJ games below:

The Last Extinction: Earth (a game where the player scoots around the Earth in a spaceship beaming up inhabitants before a tumultuous core engulfs the planet in volcanic destruction)

Super Cave-Man: Dino Extinction (a game that tells the true tale of how the dinosaurs went extinct: at the hands of burly cave men murdering them in wave after wave of top-down four-player action)

Critter^3 (a fairly complex puzzler that challenges you to place “environment” cubes around several population of animals; the goal is fully optimize the types of environments surrounding the population and can take a while to fully work out)

Retuned (a fun flash brawler where you bash a legion of auto-tune robots in an attempt to thwart the extinction of rock and roll)

SuperMegaturboX64Box (an inspired game that plays with game mechanic and graphic evolution, forcing the player on an unwitting journey down memory lane)

Coke Wars (a mind bending experience set to a creepy frenetic soundtrack that could only be created by coke– coca-cola– fueled gamers in a 48 hour stint)

Rock Never Dies (a rhythm and platformer hybrid, the player(s) control Plunk, a cutsie punk rocker whose mission has become to convert hip-hop heads to the way of the metal)

CROATOAN: Lost Colony of Roanoke (a board game in which players outguess each others’ moves in an attempt to secure rations and escape a dessert island)

Denied! (a simple tiler where you act as a firewall, surrounding intruding virii and deleting them from the system’s file matrix)

Dodo-Dash (a runner in which the player controls a swarm of dodos who must run away from evil hunters)

Bite Me (utilizing the Kinect, the player must dodge a hoard of stampeding dinosaurs, volcanic ash and falling rocks as the world crumbles around them)

Evolutionarium (a simulation game where the player manipulates the environment, allowing certain creatures to thrive while others go extinct)

Dark Matter (a board game where you play as a robot securing body parts from black market dealers to use to create a superior human specimen)

Game of Death (an “adaption of Conway’s Game of Life, but with death;” the user must ‘kill’ off generated patterns by efficiently placing ‘death squares’)

Give me Enlightenment or give me Death! (a sim where you act as a god and technology maker that can travel to different instances of a civilization’s timeline; how will the choices of technologies you choose to bestow on the people affect their civilization?)

World Breaker (your missions is to pummel the Earth with meteor showers of varying sizes; once sufficiently pummeled, you can unleash the mother of all meteors: the World Breaker)

R.O.B.O.T. (a “Sci Fi adventure game dealing with preventing the extinction of the human race by rescuing the few left on a space station in space”)

Magnedude (a 3D puzzler adventure in which you control a strange creature with a sack full of magnets that can be used to manipulate environments objects to enable navigation through a dungeon-like cave)

Enlightened (a claustrophobic explorer in which the player has minimal light and ambient sounds as her only guide through a dark subway lined with random puzzles)

The Lonely Wasteland (life as the last human on Earth)

F.F.E., fight for existence (“The world is in ruin. You are one of the last remaining humans alive. Every second is a fight for your life. Kill or die trying. Try to avoid the cannibals.”)

Creamy

Like A. D. S. Haldorsen over here…who visualized going on a date with Mario…

Cinematically beautiful….dreamy lens flare Mario shots…who ISN’T in love with that Italian Stallion. (or is he Mexican? I always forget)

imoto

Here’s the rules:  we take the hottest girls from video games released the month prior, scour the internet for scandalous Deviant Art fan art, cosplayers, distill the finest of the batch and deliver to you this list of game girl hotness.

DEFCON:AWESOME presents: The Hottest Game Girls of September 2010.

#5 (sort of) – Catherine the Great

Civilization V

Starting off our list on a sort-of note is kind of a theme.  There are only so many hot chicks in video games to choose from each month.  Usually there’s a handful with a bunch of caveats.  Civ V’s Catherine the Great is one such broad.  First caveat?  While those beautifully bodiced bosums are tempting (especially in a twelve hour Civ V grind session), the pic above is the only shot you’ll ever gander.  Caveat two?

Yikes.  This is what she really looked like.  Caveat three?  Our Hottest Game Girls rule stipulate a thorough exposure of our subjects, including Deviant Art fan and alt art.  There is none for Catherine the Great.  Last, but not least, here’s what Catherine cosplay looks like…

Cosplay Factor

#4 – Mel B

Get Fit with Mel B

Aww yeah, Scary Spice.  Mel B training your body with the Kinect and Move?  Key demographic: fat chicks and creepy old men.

DeviantArt Factor

Not exactly Rule 34...

Cosplay Factor

More like Hairy Spice

#3 – Aqua

Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep

I haven’t played a Kingdom Hearts since the one with Winnie the Pooh.  Shit got a little weird after that though.  Apparently there a bunch of keys and they make you have armor and the help you fight the heartless or something.  I really don’t know.  One thing I know is to not mess with the hardcore fans of Kingdom Hearts, so I won’t.  Instead, just gander at the images we’ve gathered up.

DeviantArt Factor

Leave it to Deviant Art to get a little creepy

Who even finds this attractive?

Cosplay Factor

#2 – Rebecca Chang

Dead Rising 2

Rebecca Chang is a hot reporter caught up in all the Zombrex mess along with Chuck in Dead Rising 2.  While there aren’t too many jokes to crack, there is one hilarious image that sums up how players feel about Rebecca.

Does she want me to use this on her or the zombies?

DeviantArt Factor

Cosplay Factor

There really wasn’t any cosplay for Rebecca Chang.  But here’s a random asian chick in a black skirt from a Sear’s catalog.

#1 – Kat

HALO: REACH

Halo: Reach’s Kat is a tough sell for Hottest Game girl, what with her butch hair cut and intimidating Russian accent.  So why is she the number one Hottest Game Girl of September 2010?  You might not believe it, but there sure is a lot of crazy frat dudes out there dreaming of robotically enhanced handskies.  There’s also a fanboy fantasy of the covenant going crazy on S-320′s sweet cyborg puss.  We have no idea why, but there is.  Don’t believe us?  Keep looking; shit gets weird.

DeviantArt Factor

Some of the fan art is pretty timid

Then a little flirty

To just plain disturbing

The most frightening aspect of this image is not the fact that there are weirdos out there who this sexually stimulates.  No, it’s the uncanny resemblance Kat’s inflated physique has to Yoshi’s head that truly frightens us.

That's pretty weird, no?

Cosplay Factor

Creamy

Well. Hello Creamy. I have the goods. Have you brought the money?

Okay that’s a lie, we do give a shit.  In fact, we give a lot of shits.  We feel horrible.  We’ve literally played every major blockbuster title along with some indie fare since we stopped writing articles (Castlevania, Vanquish, New Vegas, Reach, we even played Naruto Shippuden Ultimate Ninja Storm 2 for crying out loud), and haven’t written a single word about them.  So, really we’re just lazy.

That’s going to change though.  That’s right.  I’m writing this, aren’t I?  “Not very entertaining! Cocksucker,” you say?

You want to be entertained?!  Do you know how hard it is to come up with new funny shit to say all the time?  It’s kind of hard… but, sometimes the best comedy is just pointing out stupid shit others say.  In the spirit of making fun of verbal diarrhea, here’s a selection of the 600+ spam bot comments I filtered through today after our hiatus.  Humans literally cannot make this shit up– only a robot with the human-lust of Johnny 5 possessed by Hunter S Thompson’s stream of consciousness could write this shit.  Fair warning though: the dirty filth that is born of these spam creatures is not for the faint of heart– but, you’re probably the type that watched every second of 2 girls 1 cup.

Johnny 5 Thompson Bot says "Pussycum casserole wesley's sprockeys and jane his wife. bats!"

‘We must fuck,’ I said, getting off the chair and dragging Patty to the medical bench.
Barrya’s pace quickens as he nears climax and I see his big dick, glistening with pussy juice, pound into my wife.  Y-you’re not gonna shoot off, are you? Mom, be-be careful! he warned.
Definite evidence of moisture along the length of her crack, a perfectly normal response to breast petting, the doctor reported! As we move along, Dr. pietros park plaza unisex salon ?Please, sir?I don?t?? Alice suppressed the shriek that was almost certainly in her throat.
‘Stop it,’ she told herself, ‘Nobody’s built like that. sex shooter by coco electrik Here?? Steve moved behind her, andplaced his hands on her shoulders, beginning to rub the knotted muscles them. adult swim popeye goes after wimpy ohhh, get on your knees, he suddenly blurts out, I have to feel your mouth arount it Its too big, I wont be able to You just get as much in as you can, he says. milta sex ?Sir.

Adult Swim popeye goes after wimpy?!  Fuck yes.  Comment approved.

Couldnt agree more with that, very attractive article

Well, thank you.

This is the first time that such a response has been described in saliva, and may help explain why infection through oral sex is somewhat infrequently

*adjusts monocle* Hmm, indeed…

How to get exclusive guides about japan ladies habits? Alternative cosplay dolls effective hairdresses and brilliant sneakers. Emo manga women wonderful nails and stylish footwear. Scene dorama ladies unusual figures and fashionable shoes.

I have to admit, I clicked on the link for this one.

Infant agitated, create like that of grown-up, is a garden, fettle passion reflect as a altercation to some catalyst. But when have the hots instead of ladylike exchange for approaching unvaried, rate and austere, it may be be onto as a disorder. Step of disquiet censure can debilitate the youngster from deform his expected saddle in restricted mid-point crowd and at digs ativan.

Pretty sure this is a pedophile serial killer’s manifesto-slash-confession.   Federal investigation pending.

Jan 2008 This article discusses whether or not it is safe to use sex toys while you are pregnant.Gay eMart How to buy sex toys for your girlfriend.

Other awesome one-liners:

• The new Dinky Pink from Mantric is a soft touch, waterproof vibrator
• ethnic pollution
• buy zoloft
• cheddar biscuit fantasy porn salutations
  
• This article has some terrible mistakes (this is actually the comment with the highest frequency… silly spambots)
  

The next time we write an article, we promise: it’ll be about video games.  Thanks for staying true!

Also, every spambot that posts a comment to this article will be automatically approved!

Creamy

I'm sold.

GameCrush, a match making community where gamers can go and select a ‘playdate’ to play a game with officially went live this week and is open to anyone.  Gamers can plunk down about $6 for about 10 minutes of gameplay in a  handful of browser Flash games or some console fare like Halo 3, COD, and GTA:IV.  If you’re super bored and super rich, or just plain want to get a nut off playing Gears of War with some chick way out of your league, give it a go.  I for one am just going to watch this youtube video on loop before I go to sleep tonight.

Creamy

Perhaps not unexpectedly, a number of people, including Nintendo stock holders, have responded to this information with accusations that Nintendo has clearly shit the bed on this one.  Investors and consumers alike are more than a little disappointed with the $300 price point, but investors are particularly worried about the fact that Nintendo is cutting its yearly profit expectations in half as a result of the 2011 release date.  So far, this announcement has resulted in an 8% drop in Nintendo’s stock and more than a fair share of negative comments from the gaming community.

However, as EEDAR (Electronic Entertainment Design and Research) has pointed out, there are at least a few reasons to think that Nintendo does not need to call the cleaners just yet.  According to EEDAR, not only is the $300 price point justified by the 3DS’s multiple cameras and 3D movie functionality, but the 2011 release date will have at least two major benefits. The first is that it will allow Nintendo to cure its historically weak third party lineup by giving those third party developers more time to bring a solid product to the table come launch time.  The second benefit is that it allows Nintendo to boost hardware and software sales for the first quarter while at the same time avoiding direct competition with other new gaming devices, such as the Playstation Move and Microsoft Kinect.

While the EEDAR’s reasoning isn’t completely off the mark, one can’t help but feel like they haven’t quite oxy-cleaned all the shit out of Nintendo’s futon.  Of course, one would rather not launch a new system without a respectable third party lineup, but it isn’t entirely clear that the benefits of having a strong third party lineup at launch time will outweigh the negatives of missing the profitable holiday rush. Moreover, even if it does outweigh those negatives, we can not avoid the fact that the optimal situation would have been for Nintendo to both launch during the holiday season and provide a strong third party lineup.  And while it is true that the 3DS would’ve had a much more direct competition with the Move and Kinect had it launched over the holiday season, the 3DS is not only the strongest of those three devices, but with it’s 3D movie functionality and other multimedia features, it is different enough from the Move and Kinect to the point where one should not be terribly worried about direct competition.

You'll have to wait until 2011 to get your snake solid.

So did Nintendo shit the bed on this one? Well, we probably won’t know until Nintendo announces the price of the US and European systems, but if those systems are announced at similar price points, we will at least have confirmation of a meaner than usual shart.  You might get an awful lot of extras with that $300 purchase, but as the PSP’s sales have shown, gamers are not always willing to plop down top dollar for a gaming device just because it also has a number of multimedia features.  DS systems have historically been cheaper in the US and Europe than in Japan, and if the 3DS follows suit, Nintendo may be in a much stronger position than people think.  But until then, Playstation and Microsoft fanboys can savor the sweet smell of Nintendo failure.

Matty

You may not have known, but in an effort to rape the ass of postmortem pop star Michael Jackson SEE Virtual Worlds is creating a massive multiplayer online game based on Michael’s life. According to the photo above that’s floating around the internet, a controller is also being launched simultaneous with the game. The controller is a modified version of the model being used for Babysitting Mama, the newest game in the Cooking Mama series. According to rumors, the player simply removes the diaper and slips the controller into a soft, gel lined pouch inside the stuffed baby doll.  The controller will serve as a peripheral for interaction with the game. Presumably, some interactions would include tilting the baby to mimic consumption of wine or holding it high above your head while the on-screen avatar hangs a child out of a window.

Creamy

Like the photos?  Check out more from photographer Imoto at AWA Cosplay Kicks; an interesting study on cosplay.

Creamy

Unfortunately, however, Metroid: Other M simply doesn’t live up to all of it’s boner inducing hype.  Sure, it’s a Metroid game, and it brings along with it a lot of the classic gameplay features that you have come to expect from the franchise, but no amount of morph ball mode can make up for the other crap that you have to deal with throughout this game.

Here are my major gripes with Other M, in no particular order:

The Story:

Since I’m not the biggest Metroid fan on the planet, I wasn’t quite as devastated as most by the fact that Team Ninja turned Samus the mysterious bounty hunter into a whiny little vagina with daddy issues.  But even if you share my willingness to let that unexpected character transformation slide, you aren’t likely to let the storyline and dialog in this game off the hook.

If I told you that a key part of the story is that Samus is known for giving her commanding officer a thumbs down instead of the customary thumbs up when he gives out the orders, you would probably think I was shitting you.  If I told you that later on in the game her commanding officer would inform her that he was going on a suicide mission, and that Samus would respond by faking a thumbs up before giving him her typical thumbs down, you would probably think I was double shitting you. Well, I shit you not, sir.

What makes this game’s story all the more unbearable is that the dialog doesn’t even achieve that “so bad it’s funny” status that we have come to expect from video games.

Here is a sample of the dialog from the story setup in the game’s instruction manual:

I don’t know how much time passed since then. I was traveling in my Star Ship when I unexpectedly received a signal.

Code name: “Baby’s Cry.”

A common SOS with the urgency of a baby crying…

The nickname comes from the fact that the purpose of the signal is to draw attention. (WTF? Are there SOS signals with some other purpose?)

The signal was coming from a remote part of space. I altered the course of my ship as if this detour had already been part of my flight plan.

Baby’s Cry…

It was as though it was crying specifically for me…

If you are anything like me, you now have your face placed firmly in palm with the hope that this will somehow stop you from having an aneurysm.

Cry baby signal in full effect

The Missile Tanks:

Backtracking and collecting items you couldn’t previously reach has always been a big part of the Metroid experience, but this time around I felt myself wondering why the fuck I even bothered going back to collect anything.  The majority of the items that you collect are missile tanks, which, like the name suggests, simply allow you to carry more missiles.  The problem with this is that since the game lets you recharge your missile supply anytime you want, you simply don’t need to be able to carry that many.  This makes collecting a bunch of missile containers about as useful as collecting viagra when you can just recharge your boner on your own whenever you want.

Yay!!! I'm so glad I came back for you missile tank!

The Controls:

As you have no doubt heard by now, the control scheme for Metroid: Other M is a complete fucking mess. You hold the Wii mote  in both hands to walk around and shoot your regular weapons,but you have to switch to the one handed waggle position in order to shoot your missiles.  This wouldn’t be that big of deal if you only had to do this in special areas to solve a puzzle or some shit, but you are required to switch back and forth between these two setups during just about every major battle you encounter.  Fortunately, this isn’t quite as bad as it sounds, but it is still annoying enough to ruin anything the gameplay might have had going for it.

The Monotonous Boss Battles:

One of the most annoying things about this game is the fact that every single major battle involves the exact same strategy. You freeze part of the boss with your regular charge beam, switch awkwardly to the one handed missile mode, shoot the frozen part of the boss with a missile, and then repeat until you either kill the boss or find something better to do.  This is fun for about two boss battles, but after that it just serves as a reminder of how mediocre and uninspired the entire Metroid: Other M experience really is.

Final Verdict:

Let’s face it, if this game wasn’t called Metroid, there wouldn’t be any reason to buy it. But since it is called Metroid, I can understand if you find this purchase simply irresistible.

Matty

While there are a ton of amazing hand-made one of a kind replicas out there, I wanted to get together a list of weapons that were available to anyone.  So, I scoured the internet to find some of the best replica weapons from vidya games.

Let's face it, you'd rather pay for a replica than spend all your time (that you could be spending playing games) making this

10. Crowbar – Half Life 2

Price: $29.99-89.99

Not only is the crowbar the iconic instrument of gnarliness that is Free Man, but it’s also just a handy tool to have around the house.  Pick one up at Sears today!  (We get like .00001 cents if you click, so click! We beg of you! Our cereal supply depends on it!)

9. Blades of Chaos – God of War

Price: $34.99

Chaos Blades Action Shot FTW...

I tried finding a reliable source for a pair of Blades of Exile, but couldn’t, so this addition is about as relevant as a Michael Jackson MMORPG.  If you plan on dressing up as Kratos for Halloween or your next Con, pick up em up here.

8. Gears Lancer – Gears of War Series

Price: $60-$400.00

What could be more Beast Mode than your very own Gears Lancer?  A pink Gears Lancer, of course.  While the original Amazon exclusive Gears of War 2 Lancers have become collector’s items fetching upwards of 400 bones, you could also attempt to make your own out of a Nerf longshot and a toy chainsaw.

7. Covenant Plasma Pistol – Halo series

Price: $188.72

Pwn N00bs Son.

6. Daggertail Chain – Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones

Price: $48.00

This one makes the list out of sheer badassery.  Countless self-inflicted wounds aside, someone wielding this beast wouldn’t even have to get all buttered up like bubble boy to strike fear in his enemies.

Hands down the greatest Gyllenhaal cinematic achievement

5. Force FX Lightsaber – Star Wars Games

Price: $129.99-249.99

Who doesn’t want to be a Jedi?  Getting yourself an authentic Force FX Lightsaber is the first step towards accomplishing that dream.  Want to kick it up a notch and flex some DIY skills?  Take off the blade and replace the bulb with an S3 Spyder Arctic 1W blue laser by Wicked Lasers– just try not to shine it into anyone’s eyes.

Drop this puppy into an Force FX saber and it's on

4. Jill Valentine’s Beretta 92F ‘Samurai Edge’ – Resident Evil 3

Price: $159.00

The modified 9mm staple of the S.T.A.R.S. team of Racoon Police Department is a sexy handgun.  It’s even sexier in the hands of Jill Valentine.  The original Jill Valentine model for RE3 is quite rare, but a solid Samurai Edge replica can be picked up here for all of RPD’s new recruits.

3. Pipe Wrench – BioShock

Price: $34.99

Shit just got real

While essentially the same as the crowbar above, nothing felt more terrifyingly awesome than bludgeoning to death a splicer with your wrench when you had no ammo or plasmids to speak of.

2. Master Sword – Zelda Series

Price: $32.99-$375

Protect Hyrule with the most ubiquitous video game replica, the Master Sword.  There are many varieties available, so google it– you’ll find one that fits your budget and tastes.

Some of the replica Master Swords cost almost $400

1. AK Beita Spetsnaz with Grenade Launcher – Metal Gear Solid 4

Price: $350.00

Hells yeah.  Since the modified AK Snake is toting is based on actual firearms, you can obtain an airsoft version of the gun fairly easily by combining this Beita Spetsnaz replica with a grenade launcher attachment and you’re ready to infiltrate even the nerdiest convention.

Looks like the real thing, fires plastic...

Once you’ve outfitted yourself with these toys, put on a little make up and chucked your dignity out of the window, you should do what the peeps over at Beat Down Boogie do and create some badass fan fiction flicks.

Creamy

While this is more than likely fake. It’s probably the most amusing character imaginable to be added to the roster.

Can you imagine the awesomeness Squirrel Girl and her sidekick Monkey Joe could bring to the game? After all, this is young hero who, with the aid of an army of squirrels, has defeated the likes of Doom and Thanos. Squirrel Attack!

I’m secretly keeping my fingers crossed that it isn’t a bunk rumor (which it is).

Possibly more ridiculous would be characters from Cadillacs and Dinosaurs

Creamy

This looks pretty gnarly.

And if that didn’t wet your johnson, then maybe the prospect of scaring any kids you know will:

Creamy

Photo by Imoto

The vacuum tubes light up indicating your Star Power.  (Okay, so probably not, but wouldn’t that be cool?)

Photo by Imoto

Rock on, Sir.   For more DragonCon Video Game related madness, check out the link below.

Video Game Cosplay of DragonCon 2010

Creamy

What follows is a taste of the video game influenced appearances at this year’s Dragon*Con.  Enjoy.

The 1 button opens when he has to pee. Don't ask how the 2 button works.

Photo by Ace Harney

Ryu rocking a tribal tat? It's more likely than u think.

Photo by Ace Harney

Photo by Imoto

Photo by Ace Harney

Photo by John Prew

Photo by Ace Harney

Photo by Ace Harney

"Hello? Hello? I can hear you breathing. Goddamnit. WTF, I know it's you Zeus. You're such a dick." Photo by Ace Harney

This cosplayer really captures the androgyneity of FFXIII's Hope. Photo by Ace Harney

For all the PC gamers. Photo by Imoto

Epic. or Epoch-- that's more steampunk, right? Photo by Imoto

There are only so many words that can express the amount of boner this chick gave me. Photo by Ace Harney

Chun Li never looked so... dudely? Photo by Imoto

Where you there?  Have any video game related you’d like to submit?  First off, thanks.  And second, emails!

Creamy